Saturday, July 3, 2010

Do you know where you're going to?

I graduated from 8th grade in 1977. My class sang "Do you know where you're going to?" at graduation. The song is from a Diana Ross movie entitled "Mahogany". The song has been going through my head alot lately. Maybe its midlife making me take a good look at myself. Or, maybe it is the fact that the company where I grew up was bought out in 2002. But, here I am. A forty-six year old woman with no idea what I want to be when I grow up. And the clock, she's a tickin'.

I started at Intercounty when I was 20 years old. I worked up the ranks in customer service, management, product development. I reached the point where I LOVED my job. I loved my boss. I loved my employees. Then, in walks the big bad competitor and snuffed it all out. I know there are people out there going through the same. So many of us feeling lost in middle age. Oh, they didn't let me go. I stayed on for a year. Then, I left because it was just not the same. And, I wanted to be with my kids. I tried for 11 years to have them, I didn't want to miss their childhood working until 8:00 at night.

But, the honest truth is that I am not a good full time stay at home mom. I loved being with my babies, but I lost a part of myself. I became shy and insecure. And, I had a bout of serious depression. So, I went back to work for the same main company, but a different sister company. Part time. Now, that is where it is at for a person like me. It was the best of both worlds. Out and about with adults, working hard, then being there when the kids got off the bus. Unfortunately, then the recession really hit. Last June, I went back full time.

I am now a sales representative. I have been in the same business for my whole adult life. Sales was the one part I hadn't done yet. I am getting positive feedback and encouragement from my peers. But, I am not sure if it is for me. I have daydreams of breaking out of my cubicle and running around the building. I have 20 more years of working. Can I handle spending that time in a 4x4 cubicle?

I have always thought of being a nurse. The schooling part scares me. I haven't always been a good student. Oh, I always got decent grades. But, I never really worked at it. Would I be different now? It has been sooo long since I went to college at the Country Grove Inn, oops I mean, Hudson Valley Community College. I would definitely have to work at it. My memory isn't what it used to be. Can I study, work full time, and give my family the time they deserve? Am I too old to do the 12 hour night shifts? Am I just too damn old???

"Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life's been showing you
Where are you going to?
Do you know?"